When I look at the overall trajectory of my life, stopping at the present moment, I know without a shadow of doubt that much of my life has been spent chasing after wind (Eccl. 1:14).
I worked hard since the age of twelve to prove to the world that I exist to be much more than a literal living, breathing outworking of objectification of a depraved, warped mind. Much of that has been accomplished by becoming something other than a woman. I worked harder than any kid, teenager and young woman, making my own money and having much material possession to show that no man on this earth can force me to succumb to slavery. And to boot, I have patted myself on the back at my great rewards that I have acquired. Autonomy, self respect, self awareness and power. So much power, that I was able to tell all around me that having a baby at the age of nineteen was something I can control, and that I did. With my insides ripped out and violated, life was removed. I controlled it all. Vanity of vanities. What sadness!
What does a man/woman gain by all the toils at which he/she toils under the sun? A generation goes, and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever (Eccl. 1:3-4).
The sun rises, and the sun goes down, and hastens to the place where it rises. Prevailing winds leave and enter their storehouses, knowing what must be done and in what order to do it. But I struggled to control and to maintain my life. Depression lurked at every corner and my conscious brought to my remembrance the former things. The pain was too great inside and I knew I had done much damage to my body! The truth of a human being removed was too much to suppress. T.V. couldn’t manage it, men couldn’t bring comfort, and trying to enhance my outer beauty was useless. All things are full of weariness; a man/woman cannot utter it; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing (Eccl. 1:8). The more knowledge I had of my so called “self” the more I increased in sorrow. I knew there was nothing I could do to change it, but remove myself from existence. I gained nothing, but wind. Suicide seemed like the only answer.
I have been knocked over by strong winds before. Honestly, the force of them totally caused me to stumble and fall hard on my bottom. But then came a different wind. This wind, this wind was different. The gospel was preached to me by a dear friend and a life giving wind swept across my soul. “The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.”
I was indoors, mind you. Yet a Light shined in darkness and awakened me to who I was – a dead woman. But this Light also awakened me to the realization of who he was, The Living Savior. He is Jesus Christ, our great God, to be exact, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works (Titus 2:13-14). He healed me through and through and restored my womb to give birth to eight babies. Two in glory.
The Lord reminds me when I am tempted to strive for wind, that even the good things – like motherhood, marriage and ministry – are worthless, unless I remember my Creator (Eccl. 12:1). Unless I adorn the doctrines of God our Savior and unless I learn to devote myself in good works, I am no longer a servant of God, but have become a servant to the idol of self (Titus 2:10). By the grace of God and by His Son’s resurrection power within me, I choose now to gaze upon the cross until the end of my days so that I may no longer be unfruitful. Nevertheless, not my will Lord, but let your will be done.